St. Cloud Man of The Week: Spooky Morning Glory

With Halloween just around the corner many of us start to get into the spirit with picking out our Halloween costumes, putting spooky decorations up around the house and adding candy to our shopping list for when the kids start knocking on the door. Well, this weeks St. Cloud Man of The Week couldn’t wait any longer to trick, and slash or, “treat” one unsuspecting lady by doing none of those things.

Early Friday the 19th morning, just past 6a.m. officials received a call from a female stating there was a unknown male in her bedroom. While some of you females who may have had a crazy Thirsty Thursday in St. Cloud, just like my whore of a ex-wife, might be thinking “Just, like um, tell him to leave, why would she call the police-ah?” Well, it turns out the male was actually uninvited and just showed up around 6a.m. waking her from her slumber, by walking around her bedroom in his birthday suit smelling and touching her unmentionables while aggressively touching himself, sexually.

Startled the lady screamed and called the cops immediately, at this point the man realized he wasn’t alone in Happy Town anymore and fled the scene. When the officials showed up the woman stated she had no knowledge of how the trespasser had entered her section of a “multi-home fortified fortress” but was able to give a very very specific detailed description of the intruder.

The victim described the male as 5 foot 5 to 5 foot 8, beer bellying having 30-40 year old, short hair to shaved head, facial hair around the jaw line, larger lips (although she didn’t include a reference to what normal lips were) and a hairy chest. So officials are literally on the look for every male in St. Cloud within that height range but even after days of rigorous searching the unknown St. Cloud Man is still at large.

Lessons Learned:

1. “St. Cloud Man” is a nut job.

2. It’s always a little spookier this time of year.

3. There is a man who resembles the most average man alive that’s enjoying his morning glory.

St. Cloud Man of The Week: Shoots Deputy With Arrow and Gets Shot Directly In The Buttocks

After quite the day, last Thursday Sept. 13th, a sheriff deputy and a “suspect” are being treated for wounds at the St. Cloud Hospital after a standoff with the suspect, sheriff’s department and swat team.

The suspect, “allegedly”, stole a pickup then made a quick pit stop at a John Deere building around 10 a.m. Thursday morning, and by pit stop I mean, the suspect ran right into the building creating a hole or “pit” in the structure. The suspect then went on a rampage that could only be described as “a drunk person and or newb, playing the hit game Grand Theft Auto, for the first time.” After smashing against/into multiple parked cars the suspect finally parked the stollen vehicle by crashing it through a garage. The suspect then quickly ran inside to pee, experts say. When you gotta go, you gotta go.

The schools in the area were immediately put into lockdown and officials created a perimeter, then proceeded to enter the home. Upon entering the home, the suspect was spotted at the top of the stairs wielding a compound bow and arrow. The arrow quickly left the possession of the suspect as it was fired at one the deputies, striking the deputies arm. Fellow deputies began firing their weapons, almost entirely guns at the suspect and the suspect was tagged in the left shoulder and directly in the buttocks.

The deputies withdrew from the home, and SWAT was called in. A two hour standoff began as the SWAT team tried to reason with the suspect. I have never been in a standoff situation from either side but I would imagine it could get a little stressful. So I empathized with this demand that the suspect gives to the SWAT negotiator. The suspect asks for a chawski, you know a tin of smooth and refreshing Wintergreen all American chewing tobacco. Here is another tale of cops/officials being good people. A deputy on site had a tinner in his pocket and tossed the bastard his tin after the suspect had already stuck his fellow deputies like Bambis mom with a arrow. That is a good guy right there.

After getting his mints, the suspect appeared atop the stairs once more where the SWAT team tased the him. The suspect was then taken to St. Cloud Hospital for his gun shot wounds and probably swallowing some lip mints.

Lessons Learned:

1. “St. Cloud Man” is a nut job.

2. Just because it isn’t bow season doesn’t mean the deer stands are empty.

3. If a guy really wants a chew, just give it to him. Is it really worth getting shot over?

Source below

http://www.startribune.com/stearns-county-deputy-shot-with-arrow-sauk-centre-neighborhood-evacuated/493173041/

St. Cloud, The Florida of The Midwest: "St. Cloud Man"

By Gramps

The interwebs are chalked full of all the stories about the awesomely outrageous acts from what the "Florida Man" does when he is in his element. "Florida Man" never disappoints the human race, the only people that "Florida Man" disappoints are his mom and dad. A little well kept secret of The Midwest is our version, "St. Cloud Man". 

This weeks "St. Cloud Man" winner and undefeated champ,  would fit in perfectly down in Americas biggest retirement home, after slicing his neighbors finger tips off with a machete. 67-year-old Clarence Junior Hilliard, Jr. (Yep, this guy has two Juniors in his name, which definitely got him a couple extra "St. Cloud Man" credit bonus points.) Hilliard's neighbor was doing guy a solid and brought some smokes over for Hilliard. When neighbor knocked on the door he was told to go away. Being a true brotato he kept knocking, trying to drop off the flavor sticks for the guy.

Finally Hilliard opens the door in true "St. Cloud Man" fashion and slices the guys finger tips off with a machete. The officials were alerted and charged Hilliard with two felonies. 

Lessons Learned:

1. "St. Cloud Man" is a nut job.

2. Not everyone loves thy neighbor.

3. Not only could second hand smoke kill you, it could also chop your fingers off.

Source link below.